Sunrise in Palestine.
What can we do? Prayer (-Du’â) is the believer’s weapon.
I am equally sad and angry but at the same time finding solace in believing that the deceased have already won in Jannah, inshaAllah.
حَسْبُنَا اللَّهُ وَنِعْمَ الْوَكِيلُ
(آل عمران (٣٧١:٣ -
"Allah (Alone) is Sufficient for us, and He is the Best Disposer of affairs (for us).”
- Surah Al ‘Imran (3:173)
And Allah is with the brokenhearted.
Sometimes, the best way to end a losing argument is to just agree even though it is clear as day that you’re being wrongly accused. When you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place, and no matter what happens, you lose either way. Seriously, it’s not worth your time.
(Plus it’s Ramadan and it would be a waste of my day to raise my voice early in the morning.)
I wish I had very little conscience because it’s getting really easy to just drop it and walk away. But of course, that won’t help anyone if I do.
I’m really getting sick of this cycle when I can be focusing on other positive things to better my life.
I also realised that I keep buying promises that were too good to be true. For that I seem to be getting better at disappointing myself for having faith in others.
Like the nomad that I have become since my departure from the neighbourhood island, I shall change my course yet again when the agreed milestone is met.
I do not walk away without fulfilling what I have committed to complete, but also I did not break that chain only to find another shackle.
One of my biggest problems is not being able to say no (decline professionally). It’s like I’m hardwired to not disappoint others. Most of the time I end up doing what I don’t
enjoy want so that I can sleep at night. The irony.
This has to change.
When I was in kindergarten, I found out that I was not the sharpest tool in the shed. My marks were not that high and I couldn’t do well in the field even if my life depended on it. During sports day I fell on the ground right at the starting line when everyone started running. The teachers switched me to take part in the simplest competition - balloon blowing. I failed that too because I didn’t manage to fill it with air enough to pop it in time.
In primary/elementary school I discovered video games. Being weak outdoors it was the only outlet for me to be involved in some sort of “sport”. Even that, I wasn’t particularly good enough as I keep dying every time I tried to perfect my timing. I stopped having fun.
Then there was drawing. It was all had escape to a world where nothing lets me down. It was also my one and only method to communicate with people around me. The pencil and papers were good ice breakers or conversation starter. For once I was good at something. Life was good.
Art was my thunder.
Video game packaging, magazines, books, and comics were my only window to the outside world where I could increase my visual vocabulary and fuel my fire to improve. I didn’t know them personally and they remain a perfect image of idols that couldn’t disappoint. Someone I would aspire to be in the future.
After working professionally, I was exposed to a world (or maybe feelings) I never knew existed. There were hundreds, thousands, millions of people who are far better and more successful in their career. My idols are now reachable thanks to the internet and social media. Some of them are at my age. Some even younger, and far more talented. I couldn’t get a job for a while to get married and pay the bills. Projects were cancelled. I declined talk invites and workshop offers because why would anyone want to listen to this failure?
There is no more “when I grow up, I want to be come like them” notion. This is the time. This is as far as I could ever be good at that one thing I was brought up to believe to be good at. Alas, I am just good enough to get by. But now I am starting to feel like how I was back in kindergarten.
I did go back to video games and music. I literally threw them away as I still keep losing and not skillful enough to feel happy with myself.
A good person collapsed tonight and passed away in Sultanah Aminah Hospital, Johor.
Zac was a positive, hard working, and loving friend. He would only sign my CD of his band (Komplot) when I visit JOHO - a procrastinated promise that will never be kept now.
His last post was “Semoga dipermudahkan.. :l” I pray your transition be made ease, brother.
(This photo was taken by Shazli Shots in April 2012 at the Tweet Up Ipoh event)